FAMILY

Did I hear over the radio today Speaker Prospero 'Boy' Nograles ask Comelec Executive Director Jose 'Jun' Tolentino Jr. if he has any relative or relatives working in Comelec? I failed to monitor his reply.

But of course the Speaker knows for a fact that the answer to his question is in the affirmative, and perhaps Nograles was pressured to ask the question to Tolentino because there are people out there like me who know that Nograles and Tolentino are "family."

The Speaker's first cousin is married to Tolentino's sister. The same lawyer-cousin was Nograles' chief of staff when he was a neophyte congressman. I wouldn't know if subject cousin has returned since Nograles' elevation to the fourth highest office in the land. Perhaps or perhaps not, since he is anyway a successful lawyer by his own merits. Draw your own suspicions then, even as I can already hear them claim that a man can choose his friends, but not his family members.

But admirable that Speaker Nograles would not let this pass. He has indeed risen to political maturity which has earned for him enough credibility and respect from many people, in spite of his canine loyalty to outgoing President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo and for his "betrayal" to former Speaker Jose de Venecia Jr. As for Director Tolentino, I happen to know him personally too and quite close to believe him to be a man of his word, to which I have the highest respect for him. Jun Tolentino's father, Captain Jose 'Pepe' Tolentino Sr. was a harbor pilot who served the country well with loyalty and honor. They belong to a "buena familia" from Davao City. In short, he is a good man as Boy Nograles is a fair and gentle man.

You may or may not agree with me, but I know these two gentlemen well and I can vouch for their integrity, even as I anticipate negative comments with this blogpost.

(Image from http://atmidfield.com/)

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE OR NATURAL STUPIDITY?

Advice to incoming neophyte congressmen (and senators): Secure (or read again) a copy of the Robert's Rules of Order which is the bible of parliamentary bodies in western countries after which our legislative body is patterned. Read it word by word and thoroughly acquaint yourselves with the intricacies of floor debates and deliberations. This is the first step towards credible performance in the two chambers. There are so many pitfalls and traps in legislative debates and proceedings, and if you are not adequately prepared, it would be best to maintain a discreet silence, like one senator who went through his six-year term without even taking the floor. He always shot back at press interviews: "No comment."

Only a few of you would ever go on to become another Primicias, Recto, Tolentino, Montano, Marcos, Laurel or Cabili.

It is also important that you get a good research staff and a competent speechwriter. Never take the floor without preparation because it would mean certain embarrassment, unless you can plead with your colleagues not to subject you to interpellations, which is most unlikely.

In important debates, some of the wiser legislators always bring a cheering squad to root for them and to boo the other side. This is the job of your PR men. And sometimes, it's good to have a bottle around for the press.

Of course we have some disappointing ones in the legislature as well. You know who they are. But one particular member I will never forget is Senator Rodolfo 'Pong' Biazon who now seeks a congressional post for Muntinlupa City.

During one of the senate committee hearings, the good senator was questioning a certain Mr. Ponye. While the latter was answering a question, Biazon interrupted and rudely asked him, "sigurado ka walang "TA" sa huli ng apelyido mo?" I almost fell from my chair after hearing this. Such arrogance and disrespect to an invited resource person.

Yes, he is an officer, but not a gentleman. Bastos. He sure had my vote in the past, but I'm having second thoughts voting for him again this time.

(Image from www.pcij.org/)

LOSING ONE'S HEAD OVER A DEBATE

There seems to be a looming debate (again) over the death penalty. Some church groups state that this is un-Christian since nobody has the right to take another man's life. Others say the death penalty for heinous crimes would only encourage further killings. Say what?

Citing the fact that rape and murder are both heinous crimes, a rapist would be encouraged to kill his victim. He has nothing to lose by finishing her off since he is liable to the death penalty whether he kills her or not. He also has everything to gain: if she is dead, there is no one to accuse him of rape.

Still others observe that the death penalty has not discouraged criminals at all, and that on the contrary, the crime rate has risen.

They explain that criminals are not deterred by the lethal injection or by the electric chair because both are swift and painless. Say that again please?

But things would be different if criminals were executed by hanging, stoning, crucifixion, quartering, and other painful methods.

Well, for criminals who sport lesser hair on their heads, a Frenchman once invented a cure-all for baldness. It's called the Guillotine.

It has been so popular since that other than engaging in endless debates on the matter, some people have lost their heads over it as well.

(Image from http://www.conservapedia.com/)

ONE IS ENOUGH

SLEEPLESS IN MY SHUTTLE. Muslim legislators are amused by a suggestion for an investigation on the "dangerous liaisons" of certain solons who are apparently unhappy about having only one wife. Under Islamic law, Muslim men are entitled to have as many as four legal wives and maintain several other concubines as they can afford.

As one Muslim solon said: "We are practicing legally and in the open what you Christians are doing in secret and in supposed sin."

To which a virile Christian solon riposted: "My parents brought me up in the wrong faith." This also explains why many Christians have been inquiring about turning to Islam. Most of them will be turned away because they only have salacious reasons for changing their faith.

Just stick with one wife, okay?

(Image from http://transfigurations.blogspot.com/)

GUN THE BAN? (PART 2)

SLEEPLESS IN MY SHUTTLE. Lawmakers are the lawbreakers. I'm absolutely certain that among the first persons who will be nabbed for violating the Comelec gun ban will be bodyguards of senators, congressmen and cabinet members. Is this because they are the most despised creatures in the country, hence, making instant enemies and thus needing the services of bodyguards to protect them from irate citizens?

Surely, among those who will be howling to high heavens accompanied by their illegal car sirens about the impending arrests by the Philippine National Police (PNP) will be legislators from both houses and the executive department.

Do these lawbreakers in diguise as lawmakers think that just because they passed the firearms ban, they should be exempt from it? Set the example sirs.

The full weight of the law should fall on these abusive bodyguards and their masters. If the law cannot be enforced against them, the Electoral Reform Law might just as well be tossed into the trash can.

What are they afraid of? If they are afraid of their own constituents, then they have no business being called the people's representatives. Just a thought.

(Image from http://www.timawa.net/)

THE LAST CHRISTMAS UNDER GLORIA?

A form of colonialism will be practiced by upper-crust and middle-income Filipino families as they gather around their noche buena tables soon. Many will also be celebrating the fact that this is the last Christmas under a dark regime. Is it really?

Their tables will be loaded with wine from France and Australia, Edam cheese from Holland, ham and chestnuts from Hong Kong, wallnuts, apples and fruitcakes from the United States, turrones from Spain and chocolates from England and Switzerland. And they will be playing traditional Christmas oldies belted out by Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra and Nat King Cole.

Among these colonialists will be the so-called nationalists and Filipinists in Congress, the labor movement, media and the academe. In short, a large chunk of the country's population.

President Arroyo will gather her own brood for a quiet family reunion and will be discussing her political plans with them as she prepares to run for a seat in Congress next year.

For the poor, this year has been particularly difficult due to higher prices of commodities, and have managed to scrimp and save for a simple but satisfactory observance of the last Christmas under the Arroyo administration. Indeed, something to celebrate for and hoping the next Christmas under a new government will be better, unless of course our government shifts to parliamentary form and Arroyo makes Prime Minister.

(Image from http://19.tinypic.com/)

DESERT DEBAUCHERY

So many of our women have been subjected to extreme cruelty in the Middle East, and a majority of them have been sexually molested and raped. Quite a few have even died under mysterious circumstances.

The trouble is that even our diplomatic officers in those countries have been coerced and terrorized into refusing to help Pinay OFWs, and the different labor attaches are simply just useless.

One depressing report is that quite a number of our diplomatic and labor people in these countries have even victimized the OFWs, demanding money for the services that Filipino taxpayers already pay them to do. Many of these people are protected by their political patrons and there is not much that can be done to discipline them. Most of these patrons come from Congress.

What is it with many Arabs that make them cruel and depraved masters? Even their diplomatic people assigned here shrug off protests from Filipinos.

Is this the price we have to pay for being a poor Third World country? Is it because the bulk of oil comes from the Middle East? Is it because we have weaklings in government who dare not face up to the mighty oil sheiks from the desert nations?

We have talked to some domestic helpers from the Middle East who told us blood-curdling tales of cruelty and viciousness and sexual debauchery at the hands of their Arab employers. Those stories have made even hard-boiled police reporters cringe.

Not one of these Pinays who were able to escape and return home would dare go back there for all the money in the world. It's desert hell, they say. And maybe even Allah would be displeased.

(Image from http://afilipinadollblogger.blogspot.com/)

TAKE THE MONEY AND RUN

One of the principal brokers of the controversial PEA-Amari land reclamation transaction along Roxas Boulevard must be enjoying all his wealth overseas. Now hiding in the US, I would think that he still monitors developments in the country for future possible probes of the billion-peso scam said to involve very prominent government officials and businessmen. As the saying goes, "behind every great wealth is a great crime." And here, nobody really goes to jail for that. Many are in fact lawbreakers in disguise as lawmakers.

This broker is said to have withdrawn in the past something close to PhP400 million he had earned - for closing a deal that probably cost the government up to PhP200 billion in losses - from a well-known bank with a branch located at an Ermita hotel. In other words, he's a take-the-money-and-run type of fellow.

This same wheeler-dealer was also involved in a controversial transaction for a luxury plane which had government probers looking into activities of certain PCGG officials who were then administering properties sequestered from Ambassador Eduardo 'Danding' Cojuangco.

Curiously enough, the transactions were reportedly consumated withthe participation of Hillary Rodham Clinton when she was still a practicing lawyer in Arkansas.

(Image from http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3391/3311422548_f9156c4b3c.jpg)

FOR OFFICIAL ABUSE ALSO

There is an ugly practice committed by several members of the cabinet, senators, congressmen and top members of the judiciary which needs to be stopped immediately. It is the misuse and abuse of Philippine Air Force (PAF) planes and choppers. These government officials have been guilty of this practice for quite some time now. Many of their out-of-town trips are simply just for the purpose of cutting ribbons and inaugurations for completed public works projects, or even crowning some barrio beauty queens.

Why can't officials take commercial flights? After all, they are entitled to transportation allowance. Or do they take the PAF aircrafts and divert their travel money to their personal use?

Many legislators have complimentary passes from Philippine Air Lines (PAL). And so, it is difficult to understand why they insist on using military aircraft - unless they bring along family members and office staffers when they travel to the provinces.

The PAF should bill these officials for the use of their planes and choppers, not to mention the enormous aviation fuel they have used up to cover their "sightseeing" and pleasure trips. After all, their Countryside Development Fund (CDF) can easily shoulder the costs of their vanity trips. This will be a common scene especially by government-sponsored candidates for the 2010 elections. Watch out for the official offenders again soon.

(Image from http://cdn.wn.com/)

IDIOT BOX REDEFINED

Former world heavyweight boxing champ Muhammad Ali (a.k.a. Cassius Marcellus Clay, Jr.) must be painfully asking himself if the fame and fortune he had reaped in the many years as a prized boxer are worth the condition he is in now.

Ali is a broken man afflicted with strong uncontrollable body tremors, blurred speech and lack of coordination of body functions. He has what is known as Parkinson's Disease.

A medical report had said that, as shown in a cat scan, powerful blows to Ali's head from powerful boxers like Joe Frazier, Larry Holmes and George Foreman had caused neurons in his brain to "drop out." A radiologist said that the same condition afflicts more than 50 percent of boxers with over 20 bouts.

Ali's sad case gives support to critics of the sport of boxing who have urged that it be scrapped especially among the youth since it is barbaric, degrading to human dignity and encourages violence. A good example here is Chavit Singson, a widely-known supporter and patron of Manny Pacquiao, the former beating up his girlfriend black and blue. But this was a mis-match.

I recall the case of another black heavyweight champion Joe Louis who attained fame and fortune like Ali did, but died a poor man in a flea-infested flop-house after he was fired from his post as a bouncer in some honky-tonk joint. These poor boxers, mostly blacks and latinos, are exploited by mostly white promoters and agents who luxuriate in posh retirement in Miami and Mexico while their wards end up punch-drunk in charity homes. Better we keep a tight watch on Freddie Roach. He could be living up to his surname.

In our country, boxing is big business. It even sends a mob of our congressmen to fight venues like Las Vegas, all expenses paid for by Filipino taxpayers. Time for re-examination of our values.

(Image from http://www.moviemake-out.com/)

THE POWER OF APPOINTMENTS

SLEEPLESS IN MY SHUTTLE. The Supreme Court may be asked to settle an old feud between Malacanang and Congress over the power of appointments by the President and Congress' right to confirm or reject such appointments.

Both sides insist on their own interpretation of the Constitution's provisions on the powers of appointment. If we are to follow the Palace reasoning, all Malacanang will have to do is wait for Saturdays and Sundays to sneak in appointments and bypass Congress, don't you think?

The Palace insists it has the power to issue appointments when Congress is in voluntary or compulsory recess.

(Image from http://www.senate.gov.ph/)

GUN THE BAN?

With elections just a few months away, Congress must now repeal the authority conferred on the Commission on Elections (Comelec) to grant exemptions from the gun ban provided by Republic Act 7165. In addition, the same Congress must also repeal another provision under that law authorizing Comelec to provide security to a candidate for public office who has a threat to his life for the duration of the elected period.

A total gun ban during the election period is a prerequisite to clean and honest elections. Exemptions will only create problems for everyone, and we should instead avoid creating situations that give rise to problems especially when granting exemptions to the gun ban.

Candidates who receive threats during the campaign period and thereafter must withdraw from the race since these candidates become security risks and a financial burden to the government which has to provide protection for him. The more bodyguards a candidate has doesn't necessarily mean the more important he is. It simply means the lesser he is loved by the people, otherwise he would not even fear for his life even when he is in the midst of them. A candidate who is afraid to die is not fit to serve.

(Image from http://www.cbsnews.com/)

"I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE ..."

The Comelec should not accept the candidacies of candidates who are U.S. Green Card holders, a.k.a. resident aliens. There are many of them. I will be furnished a list of these candidates soon and I am sure most if not all of our presidentiables are in that list. Check your candidates of choice, especially the more popular ones. I bet they're doing a disservice to the country by concealing their green cards. I suspect that quite a number must be US citizens too, and have not really bothered to give up their foreign citizenship. So young, and so traitorous. They should not be allowed by the Comelec to file their candidacies. The list should also include candidates who have acquired Canadian immigrant status or citizenship - and other countries for that matter.

Take the classic case of former Sorsogon Governor Juan Frivaldo and Baguio City Mayor Jun Labo who were both disqualified from public office even after they had been elected. Frivaldo fought the citizenship issue for many years when he was accused of being a US citizen, while Labo was accused of being an Australian citizen. There were at least three other provincial and municipal executives who were charged with non-eligibility to possess Philippine elective positions due to their holding foreign passports. One problem here is that some other countries like Spain, Australia, the UK and of course the US allow dual citizenship, a fact which several Filipinos, notably those in the upper echelons of society, have taken advantage of for prestige and convenience.

And one of the reasons why many of our prominent state officials and business leaders go regularly to the US is to renew their green cards while visiting family members abroad. Methinks even most appointive officials including the cabinet, the judiciary and the executive department are all green card holders, while some are 'dual citizens.'

We can determine which of these officials have family members, notably spouses and children, who are green card holders and who have latched on to their foreign papers as some sort of "insurance" in case of trouble in the Philippines. This way, these family members could easily fly to the US and to other countries in case of civil strife here or even economic crises such as a financial crunch or meltdown.

As one cabinet member recently said when asked what he would do in case of trouble here, "no sweat, my family can easily fly to the US," and that he would eventually follow if things grow worse here.

The time is ripe for these people to be exposed for who they truly are, and their much-proclaimed patriotism and so-called love for this country be put to the test.

(Image from http://www.bibingka.com/)

COUNTERFEIT MASTERS

The great Pablo Picasso had a friend who was an art collector and dealer. The gentleman asked Picasso to go through his collection and separate out the fakes and the forgeries from the real ones.

Picasso, going through his paintings - "real, real, fake, real .. that's fake .. that one too .. real, fake, real, real ..." - when his friend interrupts him.

"Wait, Pablo! That one's not a fake. I saw you paint it with my own eyes."

Picasso replies, "I can fake a Picasso as well as anyone else."

Back here at home, we do have a law punishing forgery of art works. There have been too many counterfeit paintings appearing in the market, especially from the masters such as Fernando Amorsolo, Juan Luna and Botong Francisco. The syndicates behind the fake masterpieces mean business. They had organized a lobby against this law and have even "silenced" a witness, a forger in their employ who was ready to testify against them. The law is necessary. Most of our courts simply warn that buyers must beware when looking around for collections. Caveat emptor, the courts say.

(Image from http://britannica.com/)

THEIR 'PEOPLES' INITIATIVE' IS OUR 'PEOPLE INIS SA THIEVES'

Since the expose on gargantuan pork barrel outlays called Countrywide Development Funds (CDFs) and Congressional Initiative Alllocations (CIAs) wherein some legislators had been charged with receiving millions in commissions from contractors, the name of Congress with the public has become mud.

The public has become so incensed many will surely be calling for the abolition of Congress amid claims that anyway the country could operate without a legislative body. The country has enough laws to keep it going.

It has been said that the lawmakers were robbing the country blind with their mammoth pork barrel funds. Remember the time when no less than Senator Miriam Defensor - Santiago revealed that no sooner had she warned her seat at the Senate when contractors flocked to her, offering as much as 40 percent for projects under her CDF and CIA outlays? Perhaps we should really consider reducing the number of our representatives now lest they amass more beautiful homes in the U.S. From our present number of over 200 congressmen, we can do well with a lesser number of, say 78, which is the same number of governors in the country. If we can live with 78 governors, I see no reason why we can't live with 78 congressmen. And, the less congressmen we see breaking the law out in the streets each day of our lives, the better for us and for the whole nation as well. Less is best.

(Image from http://wwwpophangover.com/)

MARGINALIZED SABUNGEROS?

What will they think of next just to become a congressman? We have more than enough useless members in Congress. Now, they want a representative for "marginalized sabungeros." Say what? Methinks this is unecessary because many congressmen are already sabungeros. It's simply an abuse of the sectoral representation, which really is an easy way to land in the House. A useless bunch just took their respective oaths of office. We should be cutting down the number of congressmen instead of adding more of them in Congress. There are only a handful of excellent sectoral representatives today, like Akbayan's Etta Rosales, surpassing even the 'traditional congressman.' Enough.

Sectoral representation was first devised during the martial law years as a means to ensure the late President Ferdinand Marcos' control of the Batasan Pambansa and to send court favorites, who cannot win any elections, to Congress. Actually, this whole matter of sectoral representation was a brainchild of the late brilliant politician and tactician, Local Government Minister/Rep. Jose 'Peping' Rono. He hatched the plan to ensure his control of the local legislative body and his own political supremacy as well. He was one of Marcos' and the KBL's most brilliant political strategist. As political adviser to the power-packed ruling party, he presented his plan which worked so well for him in the local levels. President Marcos was totally sold on the idea, and he ordered it incorporated on a national level.

(Image from http://www.census.gov.ph/)

LESS IS BEST

Do we really need so many congressmen, not to mention the lavish spending-sprees each time they just "feel like it?" Our country has been doing quite fine with some 76 or so governors. Hence, there really is no logical point why we should not have only 76 congressmen and only 15 senators, who should be elected by region. Can you imagine the money we can save with a smaller congress and senate?

By way of comparison, the United States, which is 300 times bigger than the Philippines and about 7 times bigger in population has only about 435 congressmen and 100 senators.

It's time we take a closer look at the matter for the benefit of the Filipino people. That would also mean a smaller bill for us each time they dine in some classy restaurant overseas. Just a thought, wouldn't you agree?

(Image from http://www.vistapinas.com/)

FOR OFFICIALS' MISUSE ALSO

Among the austerity measures Malacanang and both houses of Congress must agree on are the prevention of misuse of government vehicles and prohibition of foreign travels (a.k.a. junkets) by government people. Ban abuse of government vehicles and ban foreign travels? Such already have whiskers and people think they are one big joke. Indeed, what the master does, the slave shall do as well.

Previous administrations mounted campaigns against the abuse of government cars, but nobody obeyed directives that all government vehicles be marked "For Official Use Only." Honestly, how many of these government vehicles do you see on the streets with these markings? Only a few, right? Hence, these numerous vehicles must be used only during office hours and should be issued trip tickets, and a definite ban on "security plates" must be strictly enforced. Users and abusers of these plates include cabinet members, undersecretaries and assistant secretaries, senators, congressmen, governors, mayors etc.

Malacanang should order the Land Transportation Office (LTO) to immediately recall all these plates and stop issuing new ones. This is one way of checking misuse of government vehicles, and millions of pesos will be saved if the campaign against such rampant abuse of official cars is carried out in earnest. People are fed-up with these abuses even by the wives and children of officials who use them to the market and to schools, golf courses and even out of town family road trips.

Well, they really form part and parcel of the lure of a government job, don't they? It's about time something is done to really ban these frequent abuses. A no-nonsense order from Malacanang must be followed that all government vehicles be marked "For Official Use Only" on each side of the vehicle. And, the Palace can curb this scandal by simply banning the use of security plates - the only thing that enables officials to mock the flood of orders against abuse of government vehicles. There should also be no exemption whatsoever from this ban. But of course trouble is, most Palace officials are always the first to violate such orders.

(Image from http://www.pcij.org/)

FOUR DOCTORS AND A SQUATTER IN THE PALACE

(with gratitude to http://oppositeofapathy.wordpress.com/ for the excellent photo above).

Four successful doctors of medicine were attending a medical conference and were together in the same table. And so goes this discussion over dinner:

The world-renowned Japanese doctor said, "Medicine in my country so advanced, we take kidney out from man, put into anoder man, and he out looking for wok in six weeks!"

The ultra-famous German doctor said, "Zas eez notzing! Ve can take a lung out of zis one person, put it into anozer, und have him out looking for vork in four veeks!"

The highly-acclaimed British doctor said, "In my country, medicine is so bloody advanced that we can take half the heart out of one person, put it into another, and have both of them looking for work in two weeks!"

The multi-awarded botica sa barangay Filipino doctor, as usual, not to be outdone, interjected, "You pipols are so way behind na talaga! We Pinoys allowed a woman with NO HEART to illegally occupy Malacanang Palace since 2001, and she's still alive! And because of that, to this day, HALF THE COUNTRY ARE STILL OUT LOOKING FOR WORK!"

(Image from http://oppositeofapathy.wordpress.com/)

HOW TO KEEP A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY IN 2009

With gratitude to "Mr. President" Eddie Gil for the visual aid above.

At the rate our government shows proof that it is indeed like a baby's alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other, it's good to know that we can keep up with their childish insanities, with Secretary Raul Gonzalez now just a sigh away from second childhood. By doing so, I list some of the crazy things we can possibly do in the coming new year.

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses and a hat on and point a hair-dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.
3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
4. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
5. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

6. Don't use any punctuation marks when writing.
7. Inside an elevator, call the 'Psychic Hotline' from your cellphone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
8. When driving-thru Jollibee or McDonald's, specificy that your order is "to-go."
9. Enter a road-side public karaoke joint and sing-along with the singer and then leave him/her some change and run away.
10. When riding a public jeep, tell the farthest passenger from the tsuper (the one sitting at the end near the jeep's entrance), "paki suyo po bayad," and then give him/her your fare. Observe his/her reaction.
11. Put a mosquito net or kulambo around your work area. Play a CD of jungle sounds all day.
12. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
13. When the cash comes out from your bank's ATM, scream "I Won!", I Won!", "Third time this week!"

14. When leaving the Manila Zoo, start running towards the parking lot, yelling, "Takbo! Takbo! NAKAWALA SILAA!!
15. Tell your children over dinner, "Due to the economy, we are going to let one of you go..."

16. When inside an elevator (again), face everybody instead and establish eye-to-eye contact with them one at a time.

17. When riding the MRT or the LRT, do this: just a few meters before the next stop, shout, "PARA!! ... PARA PO!!

18. Next time your spouse leaves for work, do something different this time: shake his/her hand instead.

19. Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "THAT'S MINE!!!"

20. Still inside an elevator -- stare at a specific passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of them!" and back away slowly.

Any other suggestions?

Okay, here's #21, a gem from Jasper Greek Lao Golangco who blogs at http://golangco.blogspot.com/ ...

21. After withdrawing from an ATM, flip the sign on the door to say "off-line," then watch the frustrated people who come to the door.