Monday, February 23, 2009


Batasan Pambansa, Quezon City --

Congress today announced that the Office of the President will be outsourced to India soon. The move is being made in order to save the President's yearly salary, and also a record billions in pesos in deficit expenditures and related overhead that the premier office has incurred during the last 8 years. It is anticipated that several billions of pesos will be saved to the end of GMA's term (if she really does step down). "We believe this is a wise financial move. The cost savings are huge," stated Speaker Prospero 'Boy' Nograles. "We cannot remain competitive on the world stage with the current level of cash outlay," Nograles noted.

President Arroyo was informed by e-mail this morning of her termination. A member of the Malacanang Press Corps was present to explain the congressional decision to Press Secretary Cerge Remonde in simpler terms.

Sanjay Singh, a tele-technician for Indee-Ya Teleservices, Mumbai, India will assume the Office of the President shortly. Mr. Singh was born in Paco, Manila, while his Indian parents were vacationing in the Philippines, thus making him eligible for the position. He will receive a salary of PhP 45,000 a month, but no health coverage or other benefits.

It is believed that Mr. Singh will be able to handle his job responsibilities without a support staff. He will instead be working at night, similar to a call-center job. "Working nights will allow me to keep my day job at the Dell Computer factory," stated Mr. Singh in an exclusive interview. "I am excited about this position. I always dreamed of being president of something someday."

A staff member of Speaker Nograles' office noted that while Mr. Singh may not be fully aware of all the issues involved in the Office of the President, this should not be a problem as President Arroyo has never had a clue either.

Mr. Singh will rely upon a script tree that will enable him to respond effectively to most topics of concern. Using these canned responses, he can address common concerns without having to understand the underlying issues at all. "We know these scripting tools work," stated the staff member. "President Arroyo has utilized them successfully for years, with the result that many Filipinos actually thought she knew what she was talking about. But then, even Vice-President Noli de Castro is still clueless to this day."

President Arroyo may have difficulty in securing a new position for lack of any moral credentials whatsoever.

Hobbit House Manila has expressed interest in hiring her as floor manager.
(Image from

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