MAKE ANOTHER WISH

FG Mike was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a genie's lamp.

He picked it up and rubbed it and lo and behold, a genie appeared. Mike was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.

The genie said, "No sir. Due to inflation, constant down-sizing, layoffs, a shaky stock market, low wages and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So, what will it be?"

"I want to be remembered for bringing decency in Malacanang, instead of the other stuff like smuggling operations, money-laundering and the World Bank mess, and for peace in Mindanao. See this Philippine map? I want Christians and Muslims to stop fighting with each other."

The genie looked at the map of the Philippines and exclaimed, "Oh, but these Filipinos have been fighting each other for many many years. Im good, but not that good. I don' think it can be done. Make another wish."

Mike thought for a minute and said, "You know, Pinoys don't like my wife at all. Even though she got elected, they call her a liar, a crook and a cheat. They think she's evil and ugly, and talks like a cheap parrot. I wish for everybody to like her. That's all I want."

The genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again!"

(Image from http://www.newsflash.org/)

A PRESIDENTIAL SACRIFICE WE WOULDN'T WANT TO HAPPEN

Indeed, we have a president with tons of guts. No morals, just tons of guts - and the nerve. Sometimes I wonder, who is giving who a bad name? Her husband from her point of view, or his wife from his point of view? But from our points of view, they both give a bad name to our country, and they have been doing so since grabbing the throne from President Estrada. Is it then a wonder why US President Barack Obama would rather do more important things like say, play basketball with the "brothers," instead of meeting with a corrupt power-grabber who tries her best to correct the wrong that has been done, at the expense of the Filipino people? Obama knows better, and his foreign policy is simple: avoid that presidential squatter. Look where we are today. We have crooks in government who keep getting away with their crimes. Thanks to a partisan Supreme Court and a lame and useless justice secretary who makes an ass of himself each time he opens his mouth, not to mention that he almost always defends the one that has too many defenses already, and then ridicules the helpless victims of injustice. I think it's high time Raul Gonzalez retire and just do Sudoku. But even that he cannot solve! Where now are the likes of Nani Perez, Virgilio Garcillano, Lintang Bedol, Ben Abalos, Carlos Garcia, Joc-Joc Bolante and more of these enemies of the Filipino people? They who have screwed our nation big-time, thanks to a willing administration and its allies in the military and police, the legislature, the judiciary and the executive branch. So now, they still roam our streets and walk among us like free men that they should not be.

I'd like to think that one day, Gloria will wake up from her moral slumber and do the ultimate presidential sacrifice for the Filipino nation. No, not to resign, that's too light a price to pay. After all, she is capable of doing even the unthinkable and the most vile. She will do anything, and I mean everything just to stay in power. This story might help explain what I mean ...

During a recent publicity stunt, Gloria sneaked off to visit a fortune teller of some local repute.

In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the mystic delivered grave news.

"There's no easy way to say this, so I'll just be blunt: Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."

Visibly shaken, Gloria stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. She simply had to know. She met the fortune teller's gaze, steadied her voice, and asked her question:

"WILL I BE ACQUITTED??"

(Image from http://farm2.static.flickr.com/1237/869126730_25578e6b63_m.jpg/)

SAKIT-SAKITAN

Are you a fugitive running from the law who needs a temporary place to hide while pretending to be sick? If you are, then St. Luke's Hospital is the ideal place to go. It's your "home away from jail." There, you could be in the company of other felons who suddenly suffer from various sicknesses and ailments otherwise known as "ill-gotten health," whenever confronted by the words "invitation" or "subpoena." You may also arrange for some doctors there to act as your spokespersons where they are well-trained to appear before the media and Senate/Congress officers. At your lawyer's insistence, they can also insist on your grave health condition especially when you are invited to appear the same day before a panel of interrogators a.k.a. grandstanders. 24/7 security, internet connection and unlimited supply of relaxing coffee to soothe your nerves. Call today for reservations, and get that much-needed escape from lawbreakers in disguise as lawmakers.


Paid for by the friends of Mike Arroyo, Joc-Joc Bolante and Jaime Paule.

(Image from http://professionalheckler.wordpress.com/)

FENCE-FIXING

Three contractors were bidding to fix a broken fence in Malacanang Palace, and were being interviewed by no less than FG Mike himself. Two were private contractors and the other was the MMDA. The first one takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about 2.1 million pesos: 1 million pesos for materials, 1 million pesos for my equipment and crew, and 100 thousand pesos profit for me."

The second contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and says, "I can do this job for 1.6 million pesos: 750 thousand pesos for materials, 750 thousand pesos for my equipment and crew, and 100 thousand pesos profit for me."

Then comes the third contractor, an engineer from the MMDA. He doesn't do any measuring at all, but instead makes a phone call to his boss. "Opo chairman, akong bahala!" Then, he approaches FG Mike and whispers, "3.6 million pesos."

FG Mike is incredulous and whispers back, "'Di ka nag-measure like the other two guys! How did you come up with such a higher figure, que horor!?"

The MMDA engineer whispers back, "1 million for you, and 1 million for me, and we hire the second guy to fix the fence!"

"DONE!"

(Image from http://www.pinoyweekly.org/)

KAWATANG NASA TRONO

Pasko ng pagpatawad sa makasalana't huwad,
pero kung ang sala'y sagad,
pababaing pakaladkad!

Bayang 'di mapalagay sa botong walang saysay,
kapag 'di pa nagkamalay,
pasko'y magiging pasaway.

Magigising ngayong pasko itong bayang inabuso,
at 'di na muli paloloko sa kawatang nasa trono.

(Image from http://inquirer.net/)

"QUE BARBARIDAD!"

FG Mike Arroyo wakes up one morning, looks out from the Malacanang Palace window and sees "MIKE ARROYO SUCKS" written in urine on a huge pile of sand. Furious, he calls the PSG and demands the perpetrators be found. Later that same day, several PSG guards return.

"Sir," says the first guard, "Na-analyze na po ng intelligence ang urine, at galing daw po kay VP De Castro." FG Mike goes purple with rage and shouts, "Que barbaridad! Is that all?!"

"Well, no sir," says the agent, "It's.. aah.. ma'am President's handwriting!"

(Image from http://www.philstar.com/)

FG LIBRARY DESTROYED BY FLOOD

San Miguel, Manila -- A tragic flood this morning destroyed the personal library of First Gentleman Mike Arroyo inside Malacanang Palace. The flood began in the First Gentleman's private bathroom where both books were kept. Both of his books have been lost. A Malacanang spokesman said the First Gentleman was devastated, as he had almost finished coloring the second one. In an attempt to ease the pain of her husband, the President has ordered her top PSG men to buy several coloring books with attractive animal covers.
The Malacanang Press Corps tried earlier to get more details on the matter, but to date, no official statement has been issued by the Office of the First Gentleman.

(Image from http://www.newsflash.org/)

BOLANTE BY DAY, JOCELYN BY NIGHT

Joc-Joc: "Miguel, Miguel I am sick, call mam Gloria very quick! Gloria, Gloria, shall I die?" (GMA) "No my Joc-Joc, lie and lie!"


Official announcement from St. Luke's Medical Center on Joc-Joc Bolante's health condition:

"Mild recurring headache, slight cough, diarrhea, (he's full of it!), bloodsugar normal, blood pressure: 120/ (over) acting.

(Image from http://pcij.org/)

THREE UNWELCOME GUESTS IN THE PALACE

It takes a thief ... to spot another one. Amazing how one can still manage to pass thru hi-tech security cameras and state-of-the-art motion detectors, not to mention the malnourished Belgian Malinois K9s and the robotic PSGs around Malacanang Palace. On one such quiet night, a thief managed to break into the palace kitchen, thereupon bumping unexpectedly into the first couple who were having a late night cup of coffee each and some left-over buko pie. Simultaneously, as the partners-in-crime froze surprised, the thief upon seeing them eyeball-to-eyeball, panicked and ran away screaming, "MAGNANAKAW!! MAGNANAKAAW!!!"

(Image from http://hulu.com/)

TUASON-ARROYO AND SHELL PHILIPPINES INC.

With the almost daily increase in fuel prices in our country, I wonder what President Gloria Arroyo's spin-quack-doctors Lorelei Fajardo and Anthony Golez (and now Jess Dureza) think of the fact that the Tuason-Arroyo family are major stockholders of Shell Philippines Inc. I guess that would also include FG Mike Arroyo's counsel Atty. Ruy Rondain - what do they think of this? Is it at all a conflict of interest or what?

(Image from http://www.yokogawa.com/)

FG

What is the real meaning of FG?
Choose one or choose all.

1) Fraudulent Government
2) Firingsquad Gloria
3) Fortyonemilliondollars Given
4) Fivehundredthousandpesosfrom Gaite
5) Forever Greedy
6) Filipino Ginagago

(Image from http://www.abs-cbnnews.com/)